Tour Report 2017

Old Herts Cycle Tour to Dorset

Friday 2 June to Monday 5 June 2017

Since 2002 members of Old Herts have toured either in the UK or abroad over a chosen weekend period. Following a pre-planned route and with accommodation booked in advance this tour was the first visit to Dorset. What follows is the writer’s recollections of the weekend’s events.

At this point I should introduce the tourists who as members of Old Herts have over time acquired nicknames and it would take far too long to explain the meaning behind each in this report. In planning this weekend different members have played a part in its planning and will also assume certain responsibility over the weekend. In no particular order here are the tourists with their nicknames and the part played/responsibilities assumed for the tour:

Keith Glazebrook (KG) – Colonel – Driver & Logistics/Tour Report

Tony Thurston (TT) – Twiggy – Tour Treasurer/Website

Derek Hill (DH) – Delboy – Route Planning and Guide

Graham Thomas (GT) – Pugwash or Nice bloke – Cricket Equipment

Bill Morris (BM) – Kaiser – Driver & Logistics and Cultural Attaché (Tour Entertainment)/Tour Film

Andy Rayner (AR) – Northern Bloke – Chancellor of the Exchequer (Balancing the Tour Budget) Car Parking and First Aid Kit

Rob Clarke (RC) – Lovely - Accommodation

Kevin Nee (KN) – Octopus – Driver & Logistics and Tour Theme

Andy Plummer – Plums - Tourist

The departure plan was to meet at Kevin Nee’s (KN) house in Datchworth at 7 am for a 7.30 am departure. All were assembled in time as planned and tourists greeted one another looking forward to the weekend ahead. As the subject of the weather for the weekend developed Graham Thomas (GT) admitted an early schoolboy error of having left his raincoat at home and returned home to retrieve said coat. As the tourists were nearing their departure time the house alarm sounded to the consternation of KN. In returning to the house he found that he had locked his father in law in the house who had unexpectedly arrived home early that morning from Cornwall (a titter or two was heard). In the meantime Juliet the colonel’s wife arrived to give her now traditional farewell to the tourists. Remarkably despite everything we were only 7 minutes late in leaving as the three cars and their cargoes set off individually to Dorset.

An early detour was called for as the tourists encountered a serious road accident on the A1 (M) at Junction 6 (Welwyn). Unthwarted the three cars were to again meet at Membury Services on the M4 at 9.15 am where coffee and light snacks were taken. The convoy set off together and travelled to Corfe in Somerset arriving at midday.

At the home of Tony and Judith friends of Andy Rayner (AR) we were treated to bacon rolls with an option of fried onions and copious amounts of tea and coffee. Their excellent hospitality extended to allowing us to leave the three cars at their home for the weekend. Cycles, panniers and other equipment were offloaded and cycles prepared for the weekend.

Friday – Corfe to Yeovil

At 1.10 pm we moved off having waited for KN a now familiar tour custom. It was early into the ride that we encountered hills and more hills. Little did we know that this was to be the trend and principle challenge for the weekend! Who proposed this tour I hear you ask. (Editor’s Note: Rob Clarke (RC) but everybody agreed to it).

I should point out at this juncture that KN was suffering from a chest infection an ailment that we were regularly reminded of with bouts of coughing. At an early rest stop having encountered several hills Bill Morris (BM) was waxing lyrical about the beauty of the English countryside. KN now craned over a convenient 5 bar gate and fighting for breath and clearly feeling uncomfortable retorted ‘F**k the countryside’ in his customary style. This unexpected but well delivered response was met with much laughter amongst the group of cyclists who empathised with the ailing KN.

Travelling on through the beautifully named villages of West Hatch, Curry Mallet, Five Head and Barrington we stopped for refreshment at 3.20 pm at Dennis’s Glass Works and Tea Rooms at Shepton Beauchamp. Teas coffees and a selection of sweet and savoury scones was ordered for the ravenous cyclists.

I have to address new readers in the next process that was to follow as the group consumed their purchases. Each Old Herts tour has had a theme and drawn from that theme one of the group is tasked to give each cyclist a tour name and identity. Now again it would be a waste of both mine and your time to try and explain the logic and thinking behind some of the themes. However this year’s tour title of the ‘Old Fossils Tour’ was a direct reference to the Dorset Jurassic Coast that we were to visit later in the tour. Alternatively it could also aptly describe the now advancing age range of the participating cyclists. This tour was to follow that tradition and the responsibility for this task lay with KN not for the first time.

Expectant tourists gathered around to listen to his every word and await their ‘fate’. In introducing this subject KN gave a brief history of dinosaurs their biology and their demise. What then followed was a blur of detail regarding the tourists new found identities centred on types of dinosaur. I will try to explain the correlation between the tourist and his new found Dinosaur identity some of which are more obvious than others. However some are at best tenuous and some purely within the mind of the creator. Here we go:

Camarasaurus alias Bill Morris or Kaiser – 23 Metres long and 47 tonnes it had a distinctive cranial profile of a blunt snout and an arched skull that was remarkably square. Bill is the tour cameraman and film producer.

Technosaurus alias Tony Thurston (TT) or Twiggy – 1.4 Metres long and 15 Kg’s. Technosaurus meaning ‘Tech Lizard’ had ridged teeth for cutting up plants it ate. It browsed on all fours but ran on its hind legs. Tony is the Old Herts Website guru and has had a working life in Information Technology.

Pisanourus alias Kevin Nee or Octopus – 1 Metre long and 9.1 Kg’s. A small lightly built dinosaur. Kevin is well known for his weak bladder and regularly stops for a Piss whilst cycling.

Drinker alias Andy Rayner (AR) or Northern Bloke – 2 Metres long and 10 kg’s. A biped. A relatively small dinosaur with short arms, a small head and long, strong legs. As someone from the north of the country Andy is known to like a drink.

Oviraptor (the egg thief) alias Rob Clarke (RB) or Lovely – 2 Metres long and 40 Kg’s. One of the most bird-like of the non-avian dinosaurs. Its rib cage, in particular, displayed several features that typical of birds. (Editor’s Note: No idea of the connection. Ask KN).

Nyasasaurus Parringtoni alias Keith Glazebrook (KG) or Colonel – 3 Metres long and 40 Kg’s. It stood upright and fed on vegetation. Although it was the size of a dog, it had a five foot long tail. Scientists believe it may have been the first dinosaur ever to have lived. This eludes to the fact that KG is the elder statesman of the touring group.

Tanius alias Graham Thomas or Pugwash/Nice Bloke. 7 Metres long and 2 Tonnes. Tanius (meaning ‘of tan’) is a genus of hadrosauroid dinosaur. It lived in the late Cretaceous of China. This relates to a previous conversation GT had with KN about the need to apply copious amounts of sun tan to avoid sun burn and hence the connection to Tan. (Editor’s Note: How tenuous was that).

Argentinosaurus alias Derek Hill (DH) or Basil – 39.7 Metres long and 100 Tonnes. Due to its size and weight if it ever found itself on the ground, then getting up again would have been extremely slow and laborious as it really didn’t have the spare power in the muscles. It would have found anything out of the ordinary – like HILLS – very difficult. Derek’s surname is HILL. (Editor’s Note: I am sure that the animal’s size and dexterity has nothing to do with KN’s choice of dinosaur).

Fukuisaurus alias Andy Plummer or Plums – 4.5 Metres long and 400 Kg’s. Fukuisaurus (meaning Fukui Lizard) is a genus of herbivorous dinosaur from the early Cretaceous of Fukui, Japan. (Editor’s Note: No connection just a funny sounding name for a dinosaur that KN thought would raise a titter).

Each tourist was presented with a card bearing their new tour name and a picture of the said dinosaur. These new found identities would not require us to undertake any further action and said cards would be used in the ‘passport shuffle’. Now new readers will need to understand that the ‘passport shuffle’ which takes the form of drawing lots (passports or character cards) is a daily ceremony that is awaited with some trepidation to establish who will be sharing sleeping arrangements with whom as prescribed by the accommodation provided. Now over time certain tourists have become renowned or reputed to variously fart and or snore in their sleep affecting fellow tourist’s ability to get a good night’s sleep. It is not appropriate that those persons are recognised in this report as certain challenge has been made to the accuracy of the reputations earnt. That said certain external factors that affect snoring and farting do often relate to amounts of drink and/or food consumed and on occasions the physical build of certain tourists. That said this whole process has and continues to give the tourists a great deal of fun as comment and reaction is made as the draw takes place.

The outcome of the shuffle for the first nights accommodation was as follows:

BM and RC. AP and AR. TT and DH. GT and KG. It was agreed that KN would have is own room on medical grounds (chest infection and cough).

At 4.25 pm we left the tea rooms and made our way to our first nights stop in Yeovil. Via the villages of Lopen, Norton Sub Hamdon and Montacute we arrived at The Manor Hotel, Hendford, Yeovil at 6.25 pm.

The first day’s 34 mile ride had been made through showers of rain broken up by sunny spells which made for a humid atmosphere and several changes of ride clothing. The challenges of the early hills in the ride flattened out slightly as we neared the hotel.

Having booked in at the hotel we met in the bar at 7.30 pm before finding the Pizza Pasta Mondo Italian Restaurant at 8.30pm for the evening meal. A variety of Italian dishes were chosen and avidly devoured washed down with the customary beers and orange juice for KG and TT. After the meal and at 10.15 pm we found a local pub ‘The Butchers Arms’ where a competitive game of killer darts took place. Players were ‘killed’ and left the game in the following order: AR, DH, BM, KN, RC, KG, TT, and GT with AP taking the honours. The tourists then variously resorted to the challenges of a Quiz Machine (General Knowledge) and the Juke Box before returning to the hotel and bed at 11.45 pm.

Saturday – Yeovil to Weymouth

Breakfast was taken at 8.30 am with most tourists going for the ‘Full English’ option. Cycles were retrieved from the rear of the hotel where they had been stored overnight. At 9.30 am we moved off entering Dorset at 10.25 am passing through some beautiful countryside and villages. Early into the ride we were to encounter one of the stiffest hills of the weekend. Described as ‘Ditchlingesque’ (like Ditchling Beacon on the London to Brighton Ride) we all reached the summit in our own way.

Perhaps the fatigue following this climb and the sunny weather were contributory factors for our first cycling incident of the weekend. On a relatively straight piece of road and at 11.35 am RC hits AP’s right pannier from behind. Flanked by DH who in taking evasive action goes into the verge as RC comes off and hits the road surface. KN following manages to evade the whole lot. The outcome was a grazed knee for RC who appeared to be the guilty party and no lasting damage.

Throughout the morning we passed through the villages of East Coker, Halstock, and Rampisham arriving at 12.10pm in Cattistock for a tea stop. Tea and coffee helped to wash down a variety of tea cakes and crumpets variously covered with lashings of different flavoured preserves as we took refreshment in the back garden of a local tea room sheltered from the sun under various awnings. Much discussion took place regarding the tourist’s favoured preserve as other conversation reflected upon the mornings cycling.

Resuming the ride and passing through Maiden Newton, Frampton and Stratton we arrived for lunch at The Gamekeeper Inn in Charminster. A variety of meals from toasted sandwiches to burgers were ordered as we relaxed in the large rear garden to the inn. Whilst the community were holding a local fete nearby the minds of the cyclists turned to the ‘passport shuffle’ for Saturday night’s sleeping arrangements. The night’s pairings were as follows: BM and KG, TT and DH, GT and AR, RC and KN with AP on his own.

After lunch the onward journey toward Weymouth took us through Dorchester and then on to Weymouth as we climbed a hill that seemed to go on forever next to the A354. The facing wind made the climb all the more challenging although knowing that we were nearing our destination kept us going. Having conquered the hill a pleasurable downhill run took us into Weymouth and on to our sporting challenge.

Pirate Adventure Mini Golf was the chosen location for this year’s challenge. The Weymouth 18 hole coastal course hadn’t been played by any of the tourists and was well presented with novel and challenging holes. TT chose to look after the cycles and equipment whilst ensuring fair play in what previously has proven to be a very competitive event. The remaining 8 cyclists were divided into two teams consisting of: Team A – DH, RC, GT and AP. Team B – KG, KN, AR and BM.

The usual banter and laughter could be heard from various parts of the course as the two teams negotiated the 18 holes and vied for position. Completed score cards were given to TT and the group gathered expectantly to await their results and positioning. The results were as follows and are given in reverse order just like Miss World:

AP – 57. Perhaps the time away from touring has left him a little rusty.

GT – 55. Usually a middle order performer but with 6’s at holes 3 and 6 was out of salts and must be disappointed.

KN – 54. An unpredictable player with an at times awkward style had 6 holes over par and didn’t cut it on the day.

AR&DH – 51. DH a past winner and AR a ‘golfer’ were well matched. Both out in 27 with a better back 9 of 24. Both 7 under par DH needs to look at hole 4 (5 strokes) and a 6 at hole 9 which cost him dearly. AR didn’t get off to the best start at hole 1 (4 strokes) which perhaps unsteadied him and with 5 strokes at hole 14 proved to be his nemesis in the back nine.

BM&RC – 49. BM has a very individual though effective style. Over par holes at 9 (5 strokes) and 14 (4 strokes) were the blips in a well ordered card. RC a ‘golfer’ always in the leading pack or thereabouts. No surprise therefore in his final positioning with only hole 12 over par (4 strokes). However he will be disappointed to know that he was the only player of eight to be over par for this hole. No surprise therefore in his final positioning with yet another strong performance.

KG – 44. A past winner and regular player on the crazy golf circuit with the Glazebrook stable. A score of 23 on the outward nine saw him as an early leader at the turn by one stroke including the only hole in one for the competition at hole 8. The inward 9 holes were only spoilt by one over par hole with 5 strokes at hole 14 otherwise spoiling a second nine scoring of 2 strokes at every hole. This was good enough to win the Old Herts Sporting Challenge Weymouth Pirate Mini Golf Open Competition for 2017 ahead of a strong field all of whom carded under par scores (Par 58).

The team results were as follows: Team A – 212. Team B – 198 (winners).

Golf completed it was but a short ride to the Riviera Hotel but again not without the challenge of a very steep hill to its forecourt. We arrived at 6.35 pm at this former Pontins Holiday Camp having completed 35 miles for the day. Once booked in we subsequently met in the residents bar at 7.50 pm and left via three taxis for the George Bar and Grill on Weymouth Quayside for an 8pm dinner booking.

Starters and main meals were ordered and again washed down with copious amounts of alcohol and orange juice. During the meal DH organised a sweepstake based on the outcome of the Champions League Football Final between Juventus and Real Madrid being played that evening. Optimism of a 1 – 1 score line at half time was soon lost as Real Madrid ran out 4 – 1 winners miles away from any potential winner. Therefore all bets were off and the winnings were donated to the tour treasurer. After a very enjoyable meal we walked around the quayside to the Odd Rooms Inn for a night cap before returning to the hotel by taxi and to bed by midnight.

Sunday Weymouth to Charmouth

A buffet style breakfast was taken at 8.15 am. The talk was that of men of our age which was the bodily function, toilet habits and the ability to lighten ones ‘load’. However loads discharged we left the hotel at 9.40 am and again negotiated various hills out of Weymouth in sun and an oncoming coastal breeze. We chose the ‘Old School House’ in Abbotsbury for a tea stop at 11.45 am having travelled via Langton Herring and Rodden. We all tucked in to Cream Teas with a variety of tea, coffee and hot chocolate supported by homemade scones cream and strawberry jam oblivious of what lay ahead of us.

As we resumed our journey along the B3157 out of Abbotsbury it had started to rain and appropriate clothing was being worn. However not long out of Abbotsbury we encountered the steepest hill of the tour and perhaps of any tour we have completed. Tulks Hill took its toll as we bravely cycled the first third of the hill. Travelling in single file on a busy ‘B’ road and with our front wheels lifting off the road surface we walked the middle third of the hill before riding the last third to the top. As we stopped to regroup and recover there was an excellent view from our vantage point to Chesil Beach below. As others waxed lyrical about this vista others still recovering from the hill climb retorted ‘F**k the view’ similar to the retort offered by KN on Friday and in fact he may have been one of those making this latest observation.

As we progressed along the road to Uploders TT experienced the first breakdown of the tour with a broken chain closely followed by AR with a puncture. Having repaired both cycles we took lunch at The Crown Inn at Uploders at 2pm where we made our way through a selection of rather expensive sandwiches and yes you’ve guessed it washed down with various alcohols and juices. KG as an ex plod took an interest in a varied collection of police helmets displayed on a shelf outside the gents toilet. During this stop the ‘passport shuffle’ took place to establish who would be occupying the three rooms in question later on with the following results: KG, RC and GT. KN, BM and AR. DH, TT and AP.

At 3.30 pm we returned to our cycles in the pub car park to find BM had sustained a puncture. The puncture repaired we continued on our way with the roads becoming increasingly wet with the rain we were experiencing on a more frequent basis. Regular clothing changes were made to combat the changing climate as we made our way through more idyllic villages named Lodens, Dottery, Atrim and Shave Cross. At 5pm we arrived at our accommodation The Newlands Holiday Village Charmouth. We offloaded the mud spattered cycles and stored them in a downstairs room before a welcome shower and change of clothing.

At 6.15pm we met in the bar and at 6.45pm walked to the local beach in search of fossils and somewhere to eat. We were unsuccessful on both counts. As you are aware we would have been looking for the remains of the more common marine creatures such as Molluscs, Brachiopods, Belemnites and Ammonites.

Well we found a great deal of rock without any trace of fossils save only one another. Some of our group resorted to ‘skimming’ stones seeing how many times a stone would bounce off the surface of the sea. Little did they know that they were re-enacting the actions of Barnes Wallis who used this coastline to test his prototype Bouncing Bomb before the now well-known attack on the Ruhr Dams in Germany during the Second World War.

Having failed to find an eatery of any description we returned to the holiday village and ordered our evening meals. As we ate our evening meal we watched the Ariana Grande Concert from Manchester remembering those that died and were injured as a result of the Manchester Arena bombing on 22 May 2017.

Mindful that the weather forecast for the following day was for wind and torrential rain we discussed the options of cycling or otherwise from Charmouth back to Corfe on Monday. The consensus was for the three drivers to get a cab to Corfe with AR to collect the cars and return to Charmouth and for the tourists to return home from Charmouth.

Later that evening we played three games of killer pool. Tourists left the three games in the following order:

Game 1 – BM, TT, GT, KG, DH, KN, AR and AP with RC the winner.

Game 2 – AP, TT, RC, BM, KG, AR, GT and KN with DH the winner.

Game 3 – AP, DH, TT, BM, GT, AR and KG with RC the winner again.

We retired to bed at midnight.

Monday Charmouth to Datchworth

Breakfast was taken at 8.30 am. AP, TT and DH weren’t looking particularly ‘bright’ their puffy eyes the outcome of watching television in AP’s room until 1.45am. AR was also reporting difficulty in his early morning bodily function until 9.05 am when he had a ‘calling’ to the loo with some success.

Shortly afterwards the three drivers (BM, KG & KN) and AR left by taxi to travel to Corfe to collect their vehicles. The taxi driver ‘Floyd’ was very much a comedian in the same style as ‘Jethro’ the famous West Country performer. He kept all royally entertained with his jokes and anecdotes. At Corfe the cars were collected and our hosts thanked for their hospitality.

We returned to Charmouth and once loaded we left for the journey home at 11.35 am. Throughout the morning the anticipated weather forecast manifest itself in horrendous weather conditions of wind and rain that stayed with us for much of the journey home. We travelled home via the A303, M3 and M25 stopping at Fleet Services on the M3 for coffee, milkshakes, KFC’s, MacDonald’s, Panini’s and sandwiches. KG and BM used the opportunity to top up with fuel before the final stretch of the journey home. We arrived back in Abbotts Close at 2.30 pm for our now customary unloading and farewells.

Cricket

From those who have read previous tour reports and other tourists I hear the cry of ‘cricket’ what about the Old Herts Cricket competition. Well you will recall that in the first page of this report that GT was responsible for said cricket equipment as he has been on many previous tours. This tour was no exception and he dutifully carried said bat, stumps and all with him as additional baggage the entire 109 miles of this tour up and down the hills of Dorset.

As I have reported previously much of this and other tours is characterised by meticulous and calculated planning. However other matters are impromptu, random and whims of fancy. It is fair to say that on this tour the game of cricket fell into the latter category. Whether we were waiting to find that perfect pitch, the perfect weather or the perfect time to play what has previously been a much heralded and very competitive yet enjoyable sporting occasion it didn’t happen. Some would blame the wash out on the final days cycling whilst the writer would suggest that to rely on a whim of fancy is an inappropriate approach to the planning and playing of the ‘beautiful game’. As for GT I’m sure he has his own ideas on the whole matter much of which is unprintable. As for next year’s tour will we hear the muffled cry of ‘anyone for cricket’?

In Closing

To the county of Dorset thank you for your beauty and your hospitality although we could have done with fewer hills. In closing I make no apology for reiterating the sentiments I have used in previous reports. This tour was again a most successful and enjoyable way to spend a weekend though not perhaps covering as much mileage (109 miles) as in previous years. Any success is due in no small way to those that take part, those that accept responsibility and take on tasks to plan and make this weekend happen. In that I congratulate each and every member of this Old Herts tour group who all played their part. Moreover it is the friendship that is everlasting within this group that welds the whole thing together and makes it such fun. These memories will live with us all for a very long time. Thank you all.

Keith Glazebrook (KG) – Colonel – Nyasasaurus Parringtoni